We all value our times together with friends, most highly, especially when we’ve been sharing them for a long time, going into dark places we don’t normally illuminate or share with anyone. I know this is so, because of the degree of trust and mutual respect my friends share with me.
When we share painful memories, we do so more often than not because we need to. Supressing traumatic events and emotions causes them to grow, magnify and fester, damaging us as individuals in ways we can’t see. This finds its way to the surface of our consciousness in subconscious ways we don’t notice, but other people, those who have known us, see us behaving in ways incommensurate with who they have grown to know.
It’s important to release pain and anger, all those emotions we try to supress because we don’t want the world to know what’s going on inside, sharing these deep feelings safely, in a loving, caring, closed loop of friendship.
We feel a wide range of emotions when we explore and examine our deep selves, parts of our lives we don’t want to deal with, parts we shun out of fear of pain, but still they present themselves when the opportunity rises – whether we want them to or not. Our mental focus determines our emotions; when we place that focus on our traumas, we shine a light on them, seeing them, feeling them; when we face those emotions, we expose ourselves when we can’t handle their raw power. When in pain, the animal part of us wants to lash out, to somehow give that hurt away, as if making someone else hurt will relieve our own, trying to transfer our pain somewhere we might not feel it as acutely.
It can be difficult to change our focus, especially if the amygdala has overridden our self-control. This doesn’t mean we’ve failed for good. Only for now. Time is the great salve but some wounds are so deep it takes a lot of time to salve them. Accepting that, it doesn’t matter if we break down every now and again, it shows our loved ones, those closest to us, that more time is needed. It also tells US as we break down that, yes, no need to get angry about our loss of control, WE need more time.
Fear is one of the most powerful drivers of human activity and if humans are kept in a state of perpetual fear, they are easy to control. One fear is that of death; there are truths needing to be revealed about the human condition, to help people overcome some of their fears. I have been asking people what their concept of death is, for a while now. Not only close friends, but anyone I know who has suffered recent loss and trauma. It was often fresh in their minds but they answered honestly and openly. I was fascinated by the responses. I felt truly sorry for the pain I caused, but that regret is tempered by what I learnt, saw and felt from these lovely people. Asking about death and bereavement generally, I’ve been getting intellectual responses to the question of death and the thereafter, or standard Christian responses. The emotional responses I heard were humbling. And so revealing. Rather than tackling an issue head on, as I always do unless sense prevails, I watched as people deflected their emotions and responses into other areas, away from themselves, what I learned to call ‘the snowplough effect’. Clearly demonstrated, time and again. Under not much pressure, people, justifiably didn’t want to tackle the emotive issue. I learnt something deep and unintended about them; and life, bereavement and death. Something of great value, helping me cope with life here.
